I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
