i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
