I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
