I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
