it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
