i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
