smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
