Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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