I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
