Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
