Moan for me like Helen Keller
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
