We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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