Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
