Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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