Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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