We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I think i got beer on your cat.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
