It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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