we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
