I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
