when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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