Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
