ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
