She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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