she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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