I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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