It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
