That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
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They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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