My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
That's when you crack a 10am beer
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
