this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There r osticjed everywhere
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
