my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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