you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
