i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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