I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
