dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
