My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
