mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
