pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I can feel your judgement through the phone
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
