Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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