The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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