I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
