party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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