dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
