based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
