I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
