Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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