Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she peed on how many people?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
