Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize