New invention idea: vibrating tampons
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
