Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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