I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
