For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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