We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
