I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
