just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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