She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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