already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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