I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
