Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
