theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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